Almost

It's nearly over,
Nearly finished.
4 hours and I'll be free -
Only 4 hours to go !
I've waited 7 months for this day,
Celebrations loom.
Pass or fail -
I don't care any more.
All I know is it's nearly over:
4 hours and I can go;
I can forget chemistry
and astrophysics
and subsids...
- I can forget subsids!
and I can be free
free to be ME
for a few months at least
Free
Almost.

Alone

Here
In a flat full of people
with a phone that works
and no-one to talk to.
Nothing to do.
Only nowhere to go.
Noone to go nowhere with.

Tomorrow maybe things will be different
friends will be around
people to talk to
places to go
people to go places with

or maybe not.

Chess

Chess.
A game of moves.
Like life -
The wrong move and you've lost.
You're out -
There's no way back.
Whatever you say, or do
There's no way back.

Two steps forward,
One to the side.
Opponent to move.
Check.
Two steps to the side,
One step back.
Round in circles again and again.
One step back.

Pawn to King-4;
Bishop to queen-3:
Nowhere safe to go -
Attacked from every side.
There must be a way out.
Look around -
Examine every option.
Look around.

It's there.
The escape,
You've found it just in time.
A tiny space -
An opening to freedom.
Take it!
Before it disappears -
Take it.

Opponent moves
Oh no!
You didn't see it coming.
But now it's here -
It's over.
Checkmate;
You've lost.
Checkmate.

You're out.
You've lost -
The challenge has failed
And you with it.
Your chance is gone.
Defeated.
You stand
Defeated.

It's like life.
But fortunately
It's just a game.
Lose this one
and you get another chance.
Screw up life and
That's it
No chance to replay
That's it.

Drip

Drip, drip.
Time goes by.
With every drop
it passes

Like life.
My life.
Dripping away
with every second
It passes.

Wasted.
The tap left on,
the water runs away.
Like life.
My life.

It flows away.
But worse -
I let it;
I encourage it.
I watch it pass

No emotion,
no fuss
I don't care anymore.
I tried to slow it,
to turn the tap off
. It just went by.
Nothing I did could change it

Drip, drip
Time goes by.
Like life.

It flows away
And then it's


gone.

Empty

Friends - or lack thereof?

I'm surrounded by people I though were my friends
They saw me through pain, but will it ever end?
I've found happiness with someone I love
but even that cannot be enough

They seem to think that I only need one person
and there can't be room for more than *that one*
But what can I do when he's not here
and I need to talk or have some fun

Something seems to be wrong but I don't know what
People have visited then they're gone
Without a word, no goodbye
It hurt so much I nearly cried

It's hard to believe you can be alone with *friends* around
But all weekend they've not made a sound
No Hello, How are you?, that's nice
just silence.

Do they realise that it just makes the pain worse?
They probably won't even understand this verse (or verses)
Won't understand that I feel so empty
Life's so hard with no friends around me

Yet they're there. But not there.
A paradox? Maybe
Maybe not.
Maybe they're just not my friends any more.
I just wish they'd talked to me.

If I ignored them I didn't know.
If that was the case I wish they'd said so
But now they've gone and I won't see them again
Oh well, so much for them being friends.

Late

Where are you?
You went out ages ago
and haven't returned.
You've forgotten haven't you?
Tonight was the night
but you forgot.
You went out;
I thought you'd be quick -
do what you wanted
and then get bored.
And come back.
To me.

But you didn't.
You're still out -
and now its too late.
Now we can't.
Our plans in ruins -
You forgot
Didn't you?
You forgot.

Life

I'm here -
There's no way out.
no means of escape -
Not now I'm here.

I wanted this for as long as I remember
But now I'm not sure.
There doesn't seem to be any point.
Not any more.

Why am I here?
Did I really want this?
All this work, and worry and stress.
I'm not really sure.

There's too much.
Work, work, work.
Nothing else seems to exist -
nothing but more.

Soon I'll be free
for several weeks without worry.
but before I know I'll be back here.
And it will all start again.

Locked In

Do you know how hard it is
when you are sitting near me
to know that you're so far away
I don't know if you can hear me?

When all I want is to be held
but you won't talk or hug,
Instead you get up, start to pack
All I get is a shrug.

*I'm sorry*. I know I upset you
But you don't let on
until it is far too late
and the deed is done.

I want to be close and hold you
so I can try to help,
instead you push me away
act cold, and shut me out.

I've been hurt before, so much
that I can't live 'normally'
Instead I build walls, wear masks
and hide when things get stormy.

With you - I need to let you in,
to open the sealed door -
to do that I have to know you're there
I have to feel secure.

I found the keys and oiled the locks
and started to open the door
but then I felt you shut me out
and slammed it closed one more.

I want to be able to let you in;
I want to live life as *I* am.
But right now old pain's too much -
I have to be who I can.

Sometimes this means I don't feel a thing
can't see the hurt *I* cause
but other times I feel everything
and never see the real source.

I love you very, very much,
more than I can ever say
and I hope you'll still be here
when the door opens, someday.

------------------------
I've tried to explain everything
in this little verse
I hope it helps you see the real me
and hasn't made things worse.

Love

Love
This feeling I have deep inside.

It's warm, like sitting near a log fire
It's comfortable, like slouching in a soft chair
It's safe, like nothing can ever hurt me.
It's the feeling I get from knowing that you care.

I love you because you hold me up when I'm down
because you hold me close when I feel alone

because you trust me when I don't believe in myself
because you helped draw me out of my shell
when all I wanted to do was hide from it all.

I know love carries risks -
I could lose you.
You could just tire of me
and my insecurities;
and my strange emotions
and my need for you.

I could end up with nothing.
It's happened before,
and I know it could happen again.

Love is never without cost,
but I'm prepared to pay all I can for you
because to me you're worth more than the world
and the stars
and the whole of space
and my life.

You're worth the risk
time after time,
every day -
I need you beside me
for as long as you can
until whenever that may be.

I hope it's forever.

Missing You

I'm missing you
You're not here to hug me
and hold me
and snuggle me
You're not here to warm me
(it's cold)

I want to kiss you
and feel you close
feel your skin next to mine
and join my lips to yours.

Your picture smiles at me from the wall
but you aren't here to smile at me
and read this over my shoulder;
you're not even answering your phone.

Missing you hurts
it's not an unpleasant sort of pain
more anticipation at the pleasure
I'll feel when you're here again