Panic

Tired.
How I feel right now.
Its been one of those days:
I've worked;
I've worried;
I've panicked;
I've done everything I can -
for today.
There's more to do -
much more.
Too much more.
But not now -
I can't do anything now.
I'm tired.
All I can do is sleep.
And look forward to what I have to do tomorrow -
and the day after.
Work.
Forever without end.
Only work.

The Edge

Alone.
No-one to turn to.
No-one to hold you.
No-one to hug or defend you.

In the middle of nowhere.
Nowhere to go to.
Nothing to hold on to.
Nothing to help you pull through.

As far from anywhere as you can be,
So distant from everything there's nothing to see.
What's the point of it all if there is no me?

I've lost myself in what's around -
other sights, other sounds.
I'm in so deep, I'm underground.

There is no meaning;
There is no aim.
It seems I'll do it all again.

Except I don't remember what it was.
I don't remember it at all.
Except that it hurt.

There is no plot,
there is no end.
Completely alone, without a friend.

No one to talk to.
No one to help you.
No idea of what to do.

People around try to help -
but what can they know?
Has it ever happened to them?
Have they tried to end the show?

Living has no purpose,
life has no meaning;
If you don't care for the future
there's no point dreaming.

Maybe sometime it will get better -
but maybe sometime doesn't matter;
Maybe the pain is to much to bear
it hurts so much you no longer care.

End it now or wait till later?
Finish it now or wait for nature?
Is now the time to meet your creator?
or would that turn you into a traitor?

Is release a form of betrayal?
Does it matter who cares later?
If you're not there to see their tears;
If you're not there to comfort them through their fears
and hold them close
and help them through?



Then, who are you?

I understand.
I've been there,
and back,
but I never know if I'll find myself there again.
On the edge.

But I know I'm here for anyone else on the edge. It's nice to have a
chat once in a while. The edge is a lonely place to be, and knowing
someone else is here can make all the difference.

Thoughts

What did I do to earn this pain,
This hurt so deep inside?
All I did was to live my life.
Or at least I tried.

You don't know the pain I feel
There's no way on earth you can.
It's mine, and mine alone
I'm the one who ran.

The pain started with one small thing
To everyone else, at least.
To me it was a massive wound
Inflicted by a beast.

We all heal in different ways,
Some cry , some scream, some shout.
Me, I made it hurt some more
That's the way *I* let it out.

Pain is pain is pain
it hurts and then it's gone.
Well that may be true some of the time
But mine goes on and on.

I've made mistakes, I've done things wrong,
For that I pay the cost,
But if it's someone else's crime,
Why am I the one who lost?

Now at least, the pain is less,
Though sometimes it gets worse.
But though I can live with it now,
Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.

My World

I'm on the outside
Looking in
This is my world
This is my dream
This is my life
It's where I want to be
But I'm on the outside
Looking In

Inside my world
There are people
Doing what I want to do
Being what I want to be
Seeing what I want to see
Being Me
But I'm on the outside
Looking in

I can see
Where I want to be
Almost feel
What I want to feel
Almost do
What I want to do
But how
Do I get there?
I'm on the outside
Looking in

There's a window
In my world
I can see through

See all the people
In my world
The things I could do

The places I could go
The ways that I could show
Who I am
That this is my world

But I'm on the outside
Looking in

There's a path
To my world
It's not on any maps
To my world
but it's there

There's a route
I can take
To my world
But I don't know
Where is is
How to find it
How to take it
Where to turn

But it is my world
I can touch it
It's my world
I can hear it
It's my world
It's where I want to be

It's my world
I can see it
It's my world
I can be it
It's my world
I can be what I want to be
It's my world
It's MY world
It's *MY* world

And I will get there
I don't know how
I don't know when
But I want it enough
I dream it enough
if I live it enough
will I be there?

In my world.

16th May 2000

Friends

Friends
People I live for
People I'd die for
People who mean the world to me

They're here when I need them
They're here when I don't want them
They keep me going when I want to stop
In times of trouble they're my rock
Something I can cling to
Hold on to
To stop me drifting
into despair
They're there

Some of them chat all the time
Some I talk to once in a while
But when I need them they're there
For me

They send flowers
when I'm down
We go shopping
into town
Meet for coffee
Or sometimes tea
Go on a train ride
or a day by the sea
Email daily
or not at all
But make sure
they always call
when I need them
They're there for me
And a friend like that
I hope to be
to them

Friends are there,
in bad times
as in good
regardless of their troubles
or their pain
they're there for me
when I need them to be
They're my friends

And they're the best!

16th May 2000. This one's dedicated to all my friends, wherever they are!

Life Concert

It's just a friday night like any other
but the world just isn't the same
2 weeks ago I was shouting, screaming, dancing and cheering
listening to something in a different way
Surrounded by others like me who heard it just the same

Thousands of people feeling as I felt
One with the music, with the beat
Dancing together, singing along
feeling the emotions and living the songs.

Music that is more than just sound
so much more than just melody and words
notes that reach into your heart,
rhythms that beat in time with your life
and songs that reach deep into your soul

Dancers and lights give something to watch,
but we have eyes only for the musician at the piano
the singer and his songs and the young girl he pulled from the audience
- everyone feels the emotons as the hug,
a gesture perfectly in time with the rhythm of the night
complimented perfectly by the flashing of the lights.

Suddenly there is only darkness
The lights, the beats, the dancers are gone.
I'm alone in the audience
left with only the song
Still keeping pace with my life
echoing my feelings
giving me something to cling to
as life twists and turns on.
The concerts isn't over
though that night has been and gone
For the rest of forever I can always think of
the lights, the dancers, the piano,
the musician, the singer
and the song.


This poem is about the Savage Garden concert at the NEC on 10th November 2000.

Top

Train Ride

Mindless wandering through space and time
Riding on a train full enough not to be empty
But empty enough not to be full.
Flashing lights pass the window;
dog asleep on the floor.
Passengers reading the paper
or staring into space
or at other passengers
or at the dog.
Some make the long trek to the buffet car,
others just sit through the journey
surviving on the provisions they brought with them.
As we near the station the dog gets up, ready to leave;
Wishing the other passengers goodbye with a wave of his paw.
Suddenly everyone stants to leave,
all but a few whose destinations lie further on.
Bags and coats appear from everywhere
and the commuters and travellers queue patiently
to get off as the train noises change.
Gradually everything slows down,
until the train and the world are once again
travelling at the same speed.
At the station cars wait in the car park,
a cargo train sits in the siding,
and numerous people wait
to meet their friends and family off the train.
While a few others get on and settle
in the now vacant seats.
Announcements echo along the platform and onto the train;
listing other destinations and other journeys
waiting to be made.
The engine moves along past the window
changing to the other end of the train,
leaving a jolt as it recouples.
Now everyone waits for the journey to continue,
for the train to once again race the world,
leaving it behind.
Some watch the world outside the carriage.
Some look at the world inside it.
Others still don't seem to have noticed that
the train has stopped at all,
flicking the pages of their books and magazines,
oblivious of the world outside them;
listening only to the world inside their heads.

No one is bothered that the train is so late.
When it arrives, it arrives.
Until then we just sit on the train
in our own little segment of the world
watching the rest of it go by
in a rush of flashing lights.

Dreams

Close your eyes.
Let the dream take you
where you want to go.
Fly through the night
on wings of imagination;
rest in the garden
of your ambitions
warmed by the sun,
calmed by the silence,
massaged by the wind.
Enjoy the pleasures of
being alone
but surrounded by the
friends of your mind.
Just be what you want to be
and who you want to be.
Do what you want to do.
Your choice is yours alone.
So dream the dream that sets you free;
live life as you want to be.
Live the dream.

Winter Grey

Winter skies
grey and cold,
empty and silent.
Lone bird flying through the air
looking for food and shelter.
Cloudless, cold sun
shining with no warmth;
Shining on an earth bereft of life.
People hiding from the elements;
animals asleep;
trees are bare.
The leaves have been and gone;
a few blow around brown and old.
Summer seems so far away;
bright, warm, noisy days.
Sunbathing, parties, barbeques;
all seeming so long ago,
so far away.
Now I'm just along in the world.
The quiet, grey, cold, winter world.
Waiting for the snow to fall;
for the people to reappear
to see the white, snowy world.
To see the tracks and prints of animals and birds;
The brightness of berries and
the colour and warmth of Christmas;
bringing with it new hope, new promises,
in the new year.
And spring, with its fresh, green, new life
Will my life be new?
Or just carry on
as before?
as ever?

Dream come true

Make a wish
Want the dream
Variations on a theme
Live in hope
Kneel in prayer
Then one day I find I'm there

Flashing lights
Pulsing sounds
Dancing people all around
Rhythmic beat
Darkness falls
Suddenly the music calls
to me

Songs so clear
Something rare
Feel the magic in the air
So alive
Feeling whole
Words reach deep into my soul

Finally
It happened
the night I never want to end
Future changed
Things revealed
As I found the dream was real.